Pack Your Baggage Like You Just Don’t Give A Damn

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Everyone Carries Baggage

Hey internet, I’m more open about my anxiety than I used to be. Maybe you noticed. This choice was painfully and exhaustively thought out. Someone will read my posts and will no longer know how to act around me; mental illness is frightening and I understand your hesitations, but I am still the person you knew before you knew I struggled. Someone will read my posts and identify me AS anxious; mental illness can cast a shadow over personality traits and I understand your confusion, but I practice managing my anxiety like a diabetic practices managing their blood sugar. Someone will read my posts and reach out to me because they, or someone they love has anxiety and they share. They share stories, questions, concerns, advice, fear, hope, laughter. Thank you. These exchanges have been some of the most meaningful reactions to my online footprint.

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Eighteen Days Smarter

WWDay: 18 (02.08.2012)
Pounds: 198.2 (Weigh in 02.06.2012)
Loss: 8.4

Thoughts: Today a friend asked me if I feel any better now that I’ve started this process. I almost surprised myself when I said yes. Not surprised that I feel better than 8.4 pounds ago, or even that I feel this much better. But surprised that not feeling this good had become so…so acceptable.

I’ve spent years, let’s say a dozen of them, slowly accepting a life that hasn’t lived up to my standards. I’ve slowly accepted a more sedentary life. I’ve slowly accepted more excuses to blame inertia. I’ve slowly accepted indulgent food choices. I’ve slowly ignored the nutritional needs I learned as far back as grade-school. I’ve slowly accepted a 5 to 10 pound gain a year. And I’ve slowly accepted that I should live without embracing high standards; movement; risk; balance; health; and adventure.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

2nd Meeting Plus My Weigh-In Equals A 3.4 Pound Loss!

WWDay: 9
Pounds: 203.4(Weigh in 01.30.2012)
Loss: 3.4
Thoughts: I spent most of the day in a funk. C took my “Before” pictures, and it proved more emotional than I’d expected. I painted my nails in an effort to feel better, but my mood devolved until I melted into a pile of tears. After some self indulgent sadness, I started to remember that there’s no shame in having gained weight, but a ton of pride in making the changes towards finding my health again.

I headed to my second Weight Watchers meeting for my weigh in and learned that all my counting, tracking, and budgeting points has gained me a 3.4 pound loss!

Go me!

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

Cookies Are My Exercise Motivation. Ironic.

I have never hid my love for cookies. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten one serving of cookies. Ever. Often, I start eating cookies while I’m still walking around the kitchen so that I don’t “have to” count their calories. I like to make-believe that foods eaten while I’m still standing are calorie free. This is not honest.

Last night I did some math, pretty simple math actually. I (re)learned that if I exercise, I earn activity points (ie: burn calories) and then I can EAT those points in the shape of a cookie. Or two.  I have been ignoring this intuitive cause and effect relationship for awhile. With this re-learned lesson, I immediately turned on the Wii-Fit (for the first time in over a year) to free-step for a half-hour and then baked some cookies.

C found (the amazing and invaluable) skinnytaste’s Low Fat Chewy Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies recipe. Quite similar to skinnytates’s delicious Low Fat Chewy Granola Bars with Pecans Raisins and Chocolate (we call them power packets in this family).

To practice my new honest relationship with food, I put two newly baked cookies on a plate. And two on a plate for C too. Then we sat down and ate slowly to enjoy one serving of cookies.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

WWDay: 5
Pounds: 206.6 (Weigh in 01.23.2012)
Thoughts [I am writing under assumption that “perfect” isn’t defined as a subjective and unattainable perfection, but rather as a realistic reflection of perfection via unique imperfections]: I can’t unravel some thoughts that will need unraveled as I find my health. When I was 15, over half my life ago, a boy that I liked very much, told me I was perfect except that I could use to lose 20 pounds. It didn’t matter that at the time I was a swimmer and gymnast, and consequently pretty fit. What mattered was that I heard I wasn’t good enough. And this made a mark. I shared this story for the first time with C last night. I’ve kept this memory quiet for countless reasons, all of which look irrational in the light of day.

In the light I know that I am valuable, beautiful, and perfect as I am. I also know that I need to lose weight; approximately 40% of my current weight. But at this point, these pieces of information are interwoven; I feel valuable, beautiful, and perfect BUT not as good as I would be if I were 40% lighter. I’m going to learn how to unravel them.

After sharing, C looked at me and reminded me that the only ones who don’t think I’m perfect right now and need to loose the weight are my organs.