“Just Get Out Of The House”

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“Just walk for ten minutes; Just get out of the house.” I’m using exercise to mitigate anxiety and depression; I’m pushing myself to do a MINIMUM of ten minutes of exercise everyday. Like my heath and happiness depended on it. I just needed to walk away from the house for five minutes and turn around. When I checked my watch and realized I was nearly ten minutes out, I turned around ecstatic, because I was on twenty minute walk!

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Lost My Way & Gained Some Pounds

Sometimes restarting is just as difficult as starting.

I haven’t been to a WW meeting since…

Anxiously awaiting my first WW meeting in a month.

What I’m saying is I didn’t weigh in OR track my food all through October. A whole month of poorly thought out food-choices, stress, funerals, weddings, traveling, forgetting that every action has a reaction.

A few weeks ago, I turned to C and said “I’ve slipped. And now I’m as big as a car.” “A car?” he said. “Well, half a car.”

I do not weigh as much as half of a car!

I’ve gained 7 pounds in the last month and I’ve lost my way. But, the good news about losing one’s way, is one can always find it again.

Eighteen Days Smarter

WWDay: 18 (02.08.2012)
Pounds: 198.2 (Weigh in 02.06.2012)
Loss: 8.4

Thoughts: Today a friend asked me if I feel any better now that I’ve started this process. I almost surprised myself when I said yes. Not surprised that I feel better than 8.4 pounds ago, or even that I feel this much better. But surprised that not feeling this good had become so…so acceptable.

I’ve spent years, let’s say a dozen of them, slowly accepting a life that hasn’t lived up to my standards. I’ve slowly accepted a more sedentary life. I’ve slowly accepted more excuses to blame inertia. I’ve slowly accepted indulgent food choices. I’ve slowly ignored the nutritional needs I learned as far back as grade-school. I’ve slowly accepted a 5 to 10 pound gain a year. And I’ve slowly accepted that I should live without embracing high standards; movement; risk; balance; health; and adventure.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

2nd Meeting Plus My Weigh-In Equals A 3.4 Pound Loss!

WWDay: 9
Pounds: 203.4(Weigh in 01.30.2012)
Loss: 3.4
Thoughts: I spent most of the day in a funk. C took my “Before” pictures, and it proved more emotional than I’d expected. I painted my nails in an effort to feel better, but my mood devolved until I melted into a pile of tears. After some self indulgent sadness, I started to remember that there’s no shame in having gained weight, but a ton of pride in making the changes towards finding my health again.

I headed to my second Weight Watchers meeting for my weigh in and learned that all my counting, tracking, and budgeting points has gained me a 3.4 pound loss!

Go me!

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

Better Living Through Chemistry? Or Stronger Food Addictions Through Flavor Science?

The most important 14 minutes and 4 seconds of my day. “The flavoring industry is the enabler of the food processing business – which depends on it to create a craving for everything from soda pop to chicken soup. It is Willy Wonka and his chocolate factory as a multibillion dollar industry; an industry cloaked in secrecy. But recently Givaudan, the largest flavoring company in the world, allowed us in to see them work their magic.”

Tweaking Tastes and Creating Cravings – 60 Minutes – CBS News

Safer: You’re tryin’ to create an addictive taste?
Hassel: That’s a good word.
Streich: Or something that they want to go back for again and again.

The entire transcript.

WWDay: 6
Pounds: 206.6 (Weigh in 01.23.2012)
Thoughts: When I feel great, I feel GREAT! Elated about planning out what I’ll eat before I get hungry; about cutting my food into smaller pieces and chewing slowly; about grazing on fruits and vegetables; and about feeling energized. When I don’t feel great, I feel like SHIT! The tears pour out and I’m sure I’ll always be hungry; I’ll never feel full again; I’ll always want to fill my face with something; and I’ll never taste deliciousness again.

I feel like I am on a hormonal, emotional, and chemical roller-coaster. I feel like I’m in withdrawal. Turns out, I might be. Instead of blaming a manipulating food industry and an enabling flavoring industry, I will educate myself on industry motives and what I choose to put into my body. To keep from slipping into a passive frame of mind, I’ll be re-watching (and re-watching) this video as I conquer my addiction to excessively and artificially flavored foods. Time to conquer!

Cookies Are My Exercise Motivation. Ironic.

I have never hid my love for cookies. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten one serving of cookies. Ever. Often, I start eating cookies while I’m still walking around the kitchen so that I don’t “have to” count their calories. I like to make-believe that foods eaten while I’m still standing are calorie free. This is not honest.

Last night I did some math, pretty simple math actually. I (re)learned that if I exercise, I earn activity points (ie: burn calories) and then I can EAT those points in the shape of a cookie. Or two.  I have been ignoring this intuitive cause and effect relationship for awhile. With this re-learned lesson, I immediately turned on the Wii-Fit (for the first time in over a year) to free-step for a half-hour and then baked some cookies.

C found (the amazing and invaluable) skinnytaste’s Low Fat Chewy Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies recipe. Quite similar to skinnytates’s delicious Low Fat Chewy Granola Bars with Pecans Raisins and Chocolate (we call them power packets in this family).

To practice my new honest relationship with food, I put two newly baked cookies on a plate. And two on a plate for C too. Then we sat down and ate slowly to enjoy one serving of cookies.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

WWDay: 5
Pounds: 206.6 (Weigh in 01.23.2012)
Thoughts [I am writing under assumption that “perfect” isn’t defined as a subjective and unattainable perfection, but rather as a realistic reflection of perfection via unique imperfections]: I can’t unravel some thoughts that will need unraveled as I find my health. When I was 15, over half my life ago, a boy that I liked very much, told me I was perfect except that I could use to lose 20 pounds. It didn’t matter that at the time I was a swimmer and gymnast, and consequently pretty fit. What mattered was that I heard I wasn’t good enough. And this made a mark. I shared this story for the first time with C last night. I’ve kept this memory quiet for countless reasons, all of which look irrational in the light of day.

In the light I know that I am valuable, beautiful, and perfect as I am. I also know that I need to lose weight; approximately 40% of my current weight. But at this point, these pieces of information are interwoven; I feel valuable, beautiful, and perfect BUT not as good as I would be if I were 40% lighter. I’m going to learn how to unravel them.

After sharing, C looked at me and reminded me that the only ones who don’t think I’m perfect right now and need to loose the weight are my organs.

I’m Eating Carrot Sticks So That I Won’t Stab You

Since Sunday, my brain has been overwhelmed with contradictions. While I’m proud of myself for choosing to find my health again, I resent that I can’t live in a magical world where consequences simply don’t exist.

Let’s catch up:

On WWDay 1: My family and C have been encouraging me to find my health for some time now. I was enthusiastic and reluctant to join. Not enthusiastically reluctant or reluctantly enthusiastic, but both. A part of me knew the time had come; if I was going to count calories and habitually work-out without any help, I would have by now. But that other part of me dug deep into my eight-year old self and was pissed-off. As soon as I finished signing up I wanted to eat my weight in ice cream and passionately resented anyone who reasoned with me. Sure I didn’t actually eat ice cream to feel better, but I did cry.

On WWDay 2:  I was driving from school to work and called C to tell him if we hadn’t started this the day before, I’d be pulling into the McDonalds I was about to pass, and often stopped at on this commute.

I had my first meeting later that night in a pleasant and brightly-lit room. I half expected the WW meeting to take place in a small, cigarette smoke filled room in a church basement just like I imagine AA meetings do. Sitting amongst the 30 people gathered with a common goal, I noted for the first time that I was in a new situation without feeling ashamed of my body.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

WWDay: 4
Pounds: 206.6 (Weigh in 01.23.2012)
Thoughts: I was betrayed by orange juice this morning. At three points (10% of my budget) it wasn’t THAT good. This is probably why people put vodka in it.