Hey internet, I’m more open about my anxiety than I used to be. Maybe you noticed. This choice was painfully and exhaustively thought out. Someone will read my posts and will no longer know how to act around me; mental illness is frightening and I understand your hesitations, but I am still the person you knew before you knew I struggled. Someone will read my posts and identify me AS anxious; mental illness can cast a shadow over personality traits and I understand your confusion, but I practice managing my anxiety like a diabetic practices managing their blood sugar. Someone will read my posts and reach out to me because they, or someone they love has anxiety and they share. They share stories, questions, concerns, advice, fear, hope, laughter. Thank you. These exchanges have been some of the most meaningful reactions to my online footprint.
When I make a change in my life, I MAKE A CHANGE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE! Until the pendulum swings back and knocks me into the behavior I had changed. Or worse.
When I made the change to count Weight Watchers’ points I counted points LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE! And then the pendulum swung back and knocked me into emotionally eating more than before. I weighed more than when I’d started the program. I slowly learned to push the pendulum back; slowly, realistically lost weight again. After my WW meeting space changed and my favorite leader quit, I lost my personal connection to the program and left. While still overweight and under healthed, I am better at keeping the pendulum away from extremes.
Five days ago I decided to exercise like my quality of life depended on it and I excersized LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE! For an overweight and out of shape body.
It’s day six and I’m tired. I babysat this morning. Tired. I had an anxiety attack. Tired. I did some intellectually challenging writing. Tired. Look at that face. Tired.
I don’t want the pendulum to hit me in the ass on my way out the door. So I took a slow, relaxing, and reflective 30 minute evening walk.
Honor the tired.