I knew I wanted to push it in the pool…and I DID!
I was thrown for a loop this afternoon and consequently, wanted to hide under the covers until tomorrow. Then C reminded me that the woman who wants to go get em is still in there, and I took her to Starbucks to awkwardly work on my thesis. Progress was made without an ounce of grace.
C also reminded me that I feel powerful after a swim, so I’m here now at the pool. Reluctantly.
I had BIG plans for an evening swim tonight (you know…yes-ter-day?) but I started to feel tired. Really tired. And sore (you know…yo-ga?). I went on a great walk at the zoo with a great friend this afternoon; I recorded approximately 5,000 steps! Then this evening, as swim time approached, my body said: no.
Momentarily I assumed I was being lied too, that this was just my anxiety pushing its agenda. My anxiety is skilled at convincing me to work harder, not better; that working right means monotony-until-burn-out; and pulling away from and avoiding work is an optimal strategy to recover from exhaustion.
I listened to my body. It said it needed rest, and I slowly began to trust its motives. I compromised: I worked an extra hour on a small thesis goal BUT with an expiration time regardless of goal-completion (burn out protection).
This is a new balancing technique for me: I rearranged plans guilt free and added protective parameters.
My body says it’s bedtime.
Today wasn’t a good day. Nothing in particular, just not an easy day to navigate; not an easy day for my loved ones to witness. I don’t hide my anxiety and consequently, depression. I’m not ashamed that I manage my mental health with a toolbox of resources I’m always learning to use. Today I think I hit a low point, and I feel pretty sad. And hopeful; I supplemented big pharmaceuticals with a little fitness. The gym was going to close in less than an hour but I went over and swam my hardest for ten minutes. Now I feel less sad, and that is wonderful.