Little Phitness & Big Pharmaceutical

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Today wasn’t a good day. Nothing in particular, just not an easy day to navigate; not an easy day for my loved ones to witness. I don’t hide my anxiety and consequently, depression. I’m not ashamed that I manage my mental health with a toolbox of resources I’m always learning to use. Today I think I hit a low point, and I feel pretty sad. And hopeful; I supplemented big pharmaceuticals with a little fitness. The gym was going to close in less than an hour but I went over and swam my hardest for ten minutes. Now I feel less sad, and that is wonderful.

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Cookies Are My Exercise Motivation. Ironic.

I have never hid my love for cookies. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten one serving of cookies. Ever. Often, I start eating cookies while I’m still walking around the kitchen so that I don’t “have to” count their calories. I like to make-believe that foods eaten while I’m still standing are calorie free. This is not honest.

Last night I did some math, pretty simple math actually. I (re)learned that if I exercise, I earn activity points (ie: burn calories) and then I can EAT those points in the shape of a cookie. Or two.  I have been ignoring this intuitive cause and effect relationship for awhile. With this re-learned lesson, I immediately turned on the Wii-Fit (for the first time in over a year) to free-step for a half-hour and then baked some cookies.

C found (the amazing and invaluable) skinnytaste’s Low Fat Chewy Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies recipe. Quite similar to skinnytates’s delicious Low Fat Chewy Granola Bars with Pecans Raisins and Chocolate (we call them power packets in this family).

To practice my new honest relationship with food, I put two newly baked cookies on a plate. And two on a plate for C too. Then we sat down and ate slowly to enjoy one serving of cookies.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

WWDay: 5
Pounds: 206.6 (Weigh in 01.23.2012)
Thoughts [I am writing under assumption that “perfect” isn’t defined as a subjective and unattainable perfection, but rather as a realistic reflection of perfection via unique imperfections]: I can’t unravel some thoughts that will need unraveled as I find my health. When I was 15, over half my life ago, a boy that I liked very much, told me I was perfect except that I could use to lose 20 pounds. It didn’t matter that at the time I was a swimmer and gymnast, and consequently pretty fit. What mattered was that I heard I wasn’t good enough. And this made a mark. I shared this story for the first time with C last night. I’ve kept this memory quiet for countless reasons, all of which look irrational in the light of day.

In the light I know that I am valuable, beautiful, and perfect as I am. I also know that I need to lose weight; approximately 40% of my current weight. But at this point, these pieces of information are interwoven; I feel valuable, beautiful, and perfect BUT not as good as I would be if I were 40% lighter. I’m going to learn how to unravel them.

After sharing, C looked at me and reminded me that the only ones who don’t think I’m perfect right now and need to loose the weight are my organs.

I’m Eating Carrot Sticks So That I Won’t Stab You

Since Sunday, my brain has been overwhelmed with contradictions. While I’m proud of myself for choosing to find my health again, I resent that I can’t live in a magical world where consequences simply don’t exist.

Let’s catch up:

On WWDay 1: My family and C have been encouraging me to find my health for some time now. I was enthusiastic and reluctant to join. Not enthusiastically reluctant or reluctantly enthusiastic, but both. A part of me knew the time had come; if I was going to count calories and habitually work-out without any help, I would have by now. But that other part of me dug deep into my eight-year old self and was pissed-off. As soon as I finished signing up I wanted to eat my weight in ice cream and passionately resented anyone who reasoned with me. Sure I didn’t actually eat ice cream to feel better, but I did cry.

On WWDay 2:  I was driving from school to work and called C to tell him if we hadn’t started this the day before, I’d be pulling into the McDonalds I was about to pass, and often stopped at on this commute.

I had my first meeting later that night in a pleasant and brightly-lit room. I half expected the WW meeting to take place in a small, cigarette smoke filled room in a church basement just like I imagine AA meetings do. Sitting amongst the 30 people gathered with a common goal, I noted for the first time that I was in a new situation without feeling ashamed of my body.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

WWDay: 4
Pounds: 206.6 (Weigh in 01.23.2012)
Thoughts: I was betrayed by orange juice this morning. At three points (10% of my budget) it wasn’t THAT good. This is probably why people put vodka in it.