It wasn’t until I was in the midst of getting ready for bed, when I remembed I hadn’t taken any time out today for self care today. So I’m taking my evening constitutional in the middle of putting on my PJs. What of it?
It’s not like I’m going UP TO your windows to peek in. I don’t LEAVE the sidewalk. I…just enjoy glancing through your windows; you left the drapes open and lights on. Think of it like a quick anthropological glimpse into how you decorate your walls or are watching on TV.
In full disclosure I didn’t do any fitness yesterday. I let the stress help me forget…and I felt it today. Negatively. My anxiety to get to work on editing my thesis was surprisingly replaced with an anxiety that I couldn’t work enough. While closing down my computer and packing up my bag, while driving home…I felt nausea. An anxiety induced nausea. And after so much productivity. But a productivity that left me frustrated that I still have more to do. It feels like so much more.
Flirting with the notion that I’d come home and unpack my bag and get right back to editing, I remembered that I’m practicing balance. Instead I looked to find my calm. I went on a ten minute walk.
And I looked through your windows.
Took a brisk 15 minute walk around the neighborhood after a productive day fixing a nitrogen paragraph on nitrogen fixation. See what I did there? These evening constitutionals are really good at reducing any stress or fatigue caused by staring at a computer screen for hours!
I was thrown for a loop this afternoon and consequently, wanted to hide under the covers until tomorrow. Then C reminded me that the woman who wants to go get em is still in there, and I took her to Starbucks to awkwardly work on my thesis. Progress was made without an ounce of grace.
C also reminded me that I feel powerful after a swim, so I’m here now at the pool. Reluctantly.
Last night I decreed that I’ll do EVERYthing that I said I’d do today! Fine. I simply said I’d do some Saturday chores, finish editing my introduction, AND swim a mile.
Then, after C went to bed, I remembered how much I likeed playing Sudoku until I couldn’t keep my eyes open, ensuring that when I did close them, I’d fall fast asleep without any of those pesky, judgemental, self-critical reflections. While this behavior can keep me “awake” until 3, 4, or 5 am, I was only able to play avoidance-Sudoku until about 1:30 because this past week, I’ve consciously made efforts to create a healthier sleep schedule to reduce stress and anxiety. Even though I didn’t stay up unreasonably late, making even the smallest changes to your lifestyle can be exhausting, and I wasn’t able to wake up easily at 7:30 this morning. Or at 8:30. Or even at 10:30. I haven’t hit the snooze button and reset my alarms (plural) in…a week. At 11:30 I shuffled to my beloved hourish coffee-sipping transition-time on the couch by the window surrounded by plants.
Even my coffee-sipping transition-time was running an hour OVER schedule. How the hell was I going to finish cleaning, editing my introduction, AND swim a mile at this rate!?
Then I had a revolutionary thought!
What if my productivity-plan was actually keeping me from productivity? I tried an experiment. I hypothesized that if I modified my productivity-plan into something more realistic, then I wouldn’t feel the resistance nor the guilt over feeling stuck.
I haven’t run the statistics, but I’d say the data strongly suggests that you can accidentally bite off more than you can chew, and choke to proverbial death.
These aren’t new ideas to me. What IS new, is that without someone else to help me recognize how my productivity-plan was part of the problem, I recognized my resistance, awkwardly adjusted, and set myself on a new course. I accidentally bit off more than I could chew and spit it out before calling someone to do the Heimlich maneuver!