Don’t Let the Pendulum Hit You in the Ass On Your Way Out the Door

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Honor the Tired

When I make a change in my life, I  MAKE A CHANGE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE! Until the pendulum swings back and knocks me into the behavior I had changed. Or worse.

When I made the change to count Weight Watchers’ points I counted points LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE! And then the pendulum swung back and knocked me into emotionally eating more than before. I weighed more than when I’d started the program. I slowly learned to push the pendulum back; slowly, realistically lost weight again. After my WW meeting space changed and my favorite leader quit, I lost my personal connection to the program and left. While still overweight and under healthed, I am better at keeping the pendulum away from extremes.

Five days ago I decided to exercise like my quality of life depended on it and I excersized LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE! For an overweight and out of shape body.

It’s day six and I’m tired. I babysat this morning. Tired. I had an anxiety attack. Tired. I did some intellectually challenging writing. Tired. Look at that face. Tired.

I don’t want the pendulum to hit me in the ass on my way out the door. So I took a slow, relaxing, and reflective 30 minute evening walk.

Honor the tired.

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Two Year’s Resolutions

I could tell you how this past year was a huge failure because I didn’t reach the weight loss goal I set a year ago. But then I’d be lying, about the failure part, that bit about not reaching my wight loss goal is true. In fact, I even gained some weight back. A year ago I started Weight Watchers to lose weight, obviously, but more importantly to gain health. I lost nearly 10% of my starting weight (kind of a big deal) but then my commitment became distracted by daily responsibilities, a desire to live with wonton abandon and without consequences, and worst of all, stress eating. And I gained about 75% of that loss back. While I might look like Year One was a failure, in my brain it’s been a huge success!!!

My Two Year’s Resolutions (kind of like New Year’s Resolutions, but better):

1) Continue to check myself when my inner monologue says things like “I’ll be happy once I lose this weight” and replace it with things like “I am currently happy AND especially happy that I’ve decided to take better care of myself which includes losing unhealthy weight.”

2) Continue to pay attention to how I look at food so that I can change poor habits into good choices; honestly recognizing that eating with compulsion due to stress is NOT the same as eating with intention due to hunger and basic nutritional requirements.

DFTC Carrots Two Years Resolutions

I have a habit to compulsively eat at the end of the day; without being hungry and without a specific craving, I really, really, really just want to eat. Since I’m not really eating with intention, I’ve replace my night-time snacks with frozen grapes or fresh carrots (in a dessert bowl, because presentation counts).

3) Continue to respect food as something my body needs to maintain, repair, and think RATHER than a way to pacify emotions or respond to an emergency.

4) Continue to plan ahead because there are versions of myself that CANNOT be trusted, and hungry-me is one of them. When I allow myself to get blood-sugar-droppingly hungry, I tend believe to that the only two options in the world are a) to put all of that bread into my mouth right now, or b) die. No one wants to die hungry-me, so a lack of planning on my part should not constitute an emergency on yours!

5) Continue to balance my relationship between intake and outtake. It took me years to learn fiscal responsibility, and I still learn new things about living within my means, so I’ll keep practicing nutritional responsibility AND fitness.

6) Continue to remember that I deserve good food, good movement, and good rest. If I wouldn’t stand for a life-sentence of proteins replaced with sugars, movements restricted, and sleep interrupted, then I will NOT volunteer to live that way!

Happy Two Years!

Dear Sugar, I love you…

…but our love cannot be so secretive. I’m not leaving you, I just can’t keep sneaking you into my mouth when no one is looking. Or quickly so our affairs “don’t count.”

12.17.2012

I love you Sugar, but we have to be more careful with our relationship. I can’t ever let Diabetes come between us.

I love you Sugar, but I must love you in the open. In fact, I need to document it. Every candy-cane, ever tablespoon of cookie frosting, every Frango mint, every cup of Christmas eggnog (Fat, this letter is to you, too). I must be sure I’m not favoring you over Protein, Fiber, Vitamins, the others. I’m doing this for us, sugar.

Success Can Look Small

For the last few months, I haven’t been holding myself completely accountable or taken full responsibility for my food choices, and as a result I’ve re-gained 11 of the pounds I’ve lost. While it isn’t the end of the world, it is a reminder that I’ve lost control of my choices. But often, I don’t feel like I have enough time to stay in control.

A 0.2 loss is a small success, but still a success.

This week, I didn’t have enough time to track EVERY food choice or plan out EVERY meal, but I did remember that it’s not “all or nothing.” If I didn’t track this morning’s breakfast, that didn’t mean I shouldn’t track lunch. If I had cookies for lunch, that didn’t mean I should have cake for dinner. I wasn’t perfect this week, but I didn’t use my imperfections as an excuse to give up.

Lost My Way & Gained Some Pounds

Sometimes restarting is just as difficult as starting.

I haven’t been to a WW meeting since…

Anxiously awaiting my first WW meeting in a month.

What I’m saying is I didn’t weigh in OR track my food all through October. A whole month of poorly thought out food-choices, stress, funerals, weddings, traveling, forgetting that every action has a reaction.

A few weeks ago, I turned to C and said “I’ve slipped. And now I’m as big as a car.” “A car?” he said. “Well, half a car.”

I do not weigh as much as half of a car!

I’ve gained 7 pounds in the last month and I’ve lost my way. But, the good news about losing one’s way, is one can always find it again.

He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~ Mae West

1) Life is actually happening right now; 2) I deserve to take care of myself; 3) I don’t have control of much in the universe, but I can control what I choose to eat; 4) Choosing a good first meal sets the tone of my day.

So it’s been 157 days since my last entry, since I’ve lost any real weight or gained any real health. I haven’t met my 20 pound loss goal. I haven’t pushed through a loss of 19.6 (back in April). I’ve maintained my health, but I remember that I’d like to gain more health.

I went to the doctor about a week and a half ago for my annual check up.
After a steady increase of weight (and loss of health) over the last
half-a-decade, I weighed significantly more healthier!

I started this blog with permission to document my choice to evaluate food, weight, exercise, and self esteem. I am re-starting this blog with permission to make mistakes, to not feel guilt, to let go of an “all or nothing” mentality, to stop trying to do this perfectly, and to use reflection as a tool for growth and change.

WWDay: 187 (07.25.2012)
Pounds: 189.2lbs (Weigh in 07.23.2012)
Loss: 17.4

WWDay: 30 (02.20.2012)
Pounds: 194.4 (Weigh in 02.20.2012)
Loss: 12.2

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.Image

Eighteen Days Smarter

WWDay: 18 (02.08.2012)
Pounds: 198.2 (Weigh in 02.06.2012)
Loss: 8.4

Thoughts: Today a friend asked me if I feel any better now that I’ve started this process. I almost surprised myself when I said yes. Not surprised that I feel better than 8.4 pounds ago, or even that I feel this much better. But surprised that not feeling this good had become so…so acceptable.

I’ve spent years, let’s say a dozen of them, slowly accepting a life that hasn’t lived up to my standards. I’ve slowly accepted a more sedentary life. I’ve slowly accepted more excuses to blame inertia. I’ve slowly accepted indulgent food choices. I’ve slowly ignored the nutritional needs I learned as far back as grade-school. I’ve slowly accepted a 5 to 10 pound gain a year. And I’ve slowly accepted that I should live without embracing high standards; movement; risk; balance; health; and adventure.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

3rd Meeting Plus Honestly Tracking My Food Equals A Total 8.4 Pound Loss!!!

WWDay: 16 (02.06.2012)
Pounds: 198.2 (Weigh in 02.06.2012)
Loss: 8.4

Thoughts: Well, I was a tad nervous about weighing in after super eating during the Super Bowl, but YAHOO! I really don’t have anything to say but that! If you had told me 16 days ago, that all I needed to do was commit to honestly tracking my food choices and dance a little with the Wii to start losing weight and finding my health again…I would have cynically called you a liar.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

And This Is Why We Have 49 Additional Weekly Points To Use…

WWDay: 10
Pounds: 203.4(Weigh in 01.30.2012)
Loss: 3.4
Thoughts:
Earlier today I had a minor migraine aura. Having a history of migraines that usually leave me incapacitated (and occasionally in the emergency room), I don’t use the word “migraine” lightly to describe an annoying or intense headache. I use this word when my senses are under attack. So, today when I my vision was compromised, I took my medication and drank a coke. I hadn’t budgeted for soda, but a coke delivers the caffeine differently and more efficiently than any other vehicle I’ve tried over the last twenty years.

I drank EIGHT empty points but I don’t regret it. Just glad there’s an allowance of extra points.

After work, C and I met a wonderful friend for dinner, where I was mindful of points but not portions. Hungry, I nearly finished my dinner, but didn’t leave any to take home. And as I type this before bed…I still feel uncomfortably full. The first time I’ve felt uncomfortably full in ten days. This is a feeling I used to “just live with” without recognizing what it truly represented.

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.

2nd Meeting Plus My Weigh-In Equals A 3.4 Pound Loss!

WWDay: 9
Pounds: 203.4(Weigh in 01.30.2012)
Loss: 3.4
Thoughts: I spent most of the day in a funk. C took my “Before” pictures, and it proved more emotional than I’d expected. I painted my nails in an effort to feel better, but my mood devolved until I melted into a pile of tears. After some self indulgent sadness, I started to remember that there’s no shame in having gained weight, but a ton of pride in making the changes towards finding my health again.

I headed to my second Weight Watchers meeting for my weigh in and learned that all my counting, tracking, and budgeting points has gained me a 3.4 pound loss!

Go me!

Don’t Forget To Chew: Confessions and accidental lessons from my adventure.
Wish you were here.